The Official History of the Bounty.

Being the suave, debonair sober drunk at Sara and Tim's party last night, I am in some position to record for the sake of posterity the events and action sequences of last night's rather good party. I don't think I've ever been to a party where a parrot, a pirate and a wench have had an intensive two hour academic discussion over the location of Manhood on the masculine-feminine space time continuum (turns out there is no thing as gender, just a rather large confused mass of mono-genderic folk).

Being the soft headed academic with the attention span of a small and confused goldfish, I have written this history the form of an awards show.

Best Action Sequence Nominees
James T. Just like Action Man, except real and dressed like Errol Flynn. No single event stands out and the entire evening has been classified as an action sequence due to the noises coming from his codpiece.
Rumble on the Couch It began with Adam inserting him fingers in places that he shouldn't and ended with Charlie, Fi, Adam and possibly several other people lying or sitting on top of me. More action than I've seen in months.
Corey trying to walk home dressed as Mozart Although Sara lives in a relatively safe area of Christchurch, Corey's bold effort to walk home to Elizabeth while dressed as Mozart Blackbeard receives points for bravery. He was molested three times in ten minutes before being rescued.
Ben Dancing Ballet Ben + parrot costume + ballet. 'nuff said.
Ben vs Emma re gender Ben + Emma + conversation on Gender. 'nuff said.
Tim vs Large Bottle on Plank I don't pretend to understand Tim or why he felt that the bottle deserved to be tackled, but the result was a spectacular tackle off the plank, over the paddling pool and into the shark/sail boat infested lawn. Captured well on Pete's camera. Arr. Clear and undisputed winner of this section.

Best Costume
Corey 'Wolfgang' Wallace I didn't know what Mozart would look like if Mozart was a pirate, but do now. Most elegant costume.
James 'Flynn' T. This costume left little to the imagination. Complete with codpiece that not only growled when he grabbed it, but had subtitles for the hearing-impaired, this costume was easily the most pornographic and successful.
Tim 'Fuck Me' Street The mere fact that someone who is male and 6'7" was wearing fuck me boots is enough for a nomination. In a nice touch Sara was wearing matching fuck me boots. Who said romance was dead?
The Entire Vertigo Flat Nice uniform which included more spent seamen than a Russian nuclear submarine. Points for originality and creative use of flour.
Benjamin 'Pollyanna' Allan As I'm not above the use of pun, this costume was a cracker. When wearing his black framed glasses Ben was a terrifying likeness of Elvis Costello crossed with a green felt parrot. Easily the most original costume and takes out the trophy in a hotly contested section.

Best Phallic Instrument
Sarah's Sabre Could have poked more than an eye, the sword gets points for realism. In the later stages of the evening the sword was put away and Nic came out.
James T's Codpiece It growled!
Will's Cannon Universally acclaimed as being 'cool', the cannon also walks away with the best phallic award of the evening.

Best Looking Pirate
Corey Immaculately dressed, Corey was at his debonair best. Smooth, brother.
Sara Complete with a wicked coat and fuck me boots.
Tim Same as above, except taller and for some reason drinking KGB all night. Girl.
Fi (Roger the Cabin Boy) For some reason everyone seemed to think that Fi looked better with a goatee. Takes out the best looking pirate award, and has the stains on her shirt to prove it.

Most common phrase
Arrr Universal phrase used by nearly everyone at the party.
Grrr Singular phrase used by James T.'s codpiece. Winner.


It is strange going to a party and having everyone know about your life. I had not counted on people actually reading this blog and learning stuff about me. Being asked about my 'action plan' by a number of people was both disconcerting and flattering. The obvious benefit is that I don't have to talk to any of you in real life.