Why I broke up with Natalie Portman

I had a message from an anonymous viewer the other day which stated that Star Wars is cool, and that Natalie Portman is so far out of my league that she may as well have been from a galaxy 'far, far away.' Thanks, anonymous. It will be noted that I haven't been able to visit your blog because I don't know who you are.

I admire the humour and thought that you put into your comment, although perhaps you misunderstood what I was saying. I do think that Natalie Portman is hot. Few would disagree with this reasonably moderate statement. She isn't all that, and while I think she is hot, it does not necessarily follow that I am attracted to her. I would classify most of the girls I know within the 'hot' bracket of the hot or not continuum, yet I am attracted to very few of them. According to the test linked on Ben's site, I am extremely picky. This would explain, in part, the rather dry drought I have been experiencing... I would say recently but that would be misleading. What's longer than recent? Anyway, I'm not sure if this qualifies me as one of Ben's 'Nazi's', but I do know what I like, and this has been confirmed not by science, but pyschology. Which is sort of a science.

The point to this rambling and self abuse (ha!) is that just because I think Natalie Portman is hot doesn't mean that I'd want her. She can stay in her far away galaxy and beam back the odd B- or C grade movie that is Star Wars. With her work commitments, and our respective legion of groupies could well damage the economy and infrastructure of several small but important countries as their grief at their loss manifests it self through violence and politics (as is the fashion of our time) - which would inevitably strain our relationship. So it just wouldn't work. That and the fact that she's not necessarily attractive. Just because she looks good on screen doesn't mean she's attractive in real life.

Sorry, Nat.

And Ben is a colour Nazi. I give him the opportunity to comment on some of the big issues of the day, and he comments of the colour of my site. Shallow, Ben, shallow. I was hoping that the colours and images inherent within my delicate and delectable prose would have been enough for the sophisticated and intelligent readers of my site. Never mind, Ben. With your sensational colour sense you could always become a colour consultant on Hot Property. Fab, darling.

Where are you, Mike? A couple of comments and then you disappear. We need intelligent debate on this forum, and Ben and I certainly aren't providing it.

Ed note: Mike has the link for the Ken Pollack article. Cheers.

Vanish.