Old people are odd. Their oddness factor can be derived from their age when one undertakes a series of complex and mindboggling calculations that usually result in me scratching my head and drawing funny little diagrams on a pad of paper. We had the mother of my de facto uncle over for dinner tonight. See is pretty cool. Situated halfway between the Yoda-Hobbit old person continuum, she had this endearing habbit of talking about what she want to talk about regardless of a) who was talking and b) what the conversation was about. I largely gave up any pretense of listening (I'd picked her up and heard all of her stories several times before we made it home, so the fifth rendition of how her cat died wasn't that interesting). I'm a cold hearted bastard. Sitting beside the aforementioned old person were my parents. Who are also old, but in more of a David Brent meets Eddy Moonsoon kind of way. And they don't realise that they are old. They exist in the world between rationality and age, where wild hippy dancing and flower power has been replaced by cringe worthy shuffling and the me generation, obsessed with stamping out those individuals who remind them of their impending mortality or denying themselves the ravages of time. Will Harrison Ford ever age?

Not in the hearts of Ben and Miche.

The thing is, old people don't realise they are old. They've fallen into the age trap in exactly the same manner we will. Or have, depending on who is reading this.

Due to the Wahine disaster still frontpage news here, I've decided to peer into the mists of time and discover what is in store for some of you. If you don't like your future it's all your fault.

NIc: After hooking up a fancy job and travelling the world meeting all the right people, Nic suffers a freak accident while turning to tie up a shoelace and breaks.

Tim: Writes and produces successful broadway musical. Tries his hand at acting and achieves moderate success opposite Vin Diesel in Star Wars vs Marvel.

Charlie: Writes thesis. No, seriously.

Michelle: Has a brief fling with comic book guy before leaving him and Principal Skinner at the altar.

Fi: Abandons academic career to follow in the footsteps of The Rock. Hunts him down and lays down the smack. Spends spare time liberating eggs.

James C: Becomes a controversial figure in US politics after it is discovered the Republicans took his ideas on how they were going to try and win the 2004 election seriously. Not popular with the Reagans.

Bush: wins. badly.

James T: Something about a girl.

Ben: often described as a "classic Welsh writer", Ben never actually learned the Welsh language himself. Though he achieved much notoriety during his short life, he received little financial gain. It was only after his death that his work truly began to be appreciated. There is no doubt, however, that he is one of the great English (language) poets of the twenty-first century, arguably the greatest poet of our time. Ben's incredible use of metaphor, meter, and a comic wit, allows his work to stand alone, balancing a reckless neo-Romantic sensuality against the more staid Puritanism of his time and culture. Ben's lust for life and love of drink may well have contributed to his premature demise, yet his work remains, a testament to both his skill and mastery of The Word. The work of Ben has been ingrained into our modern psyche in countless ways, ranging from a surprisingly stirring recital of "Please go quietly into that good night" by none other than Tim in the 2012 movie Back To School vs Marvel (in itself proof of the poet's powerfully enduring skill) to a more highbrow choral symphony based on three of his poems.

Corey: After rapidly adapting to life in a warmer climate, Corey rises through the ranks of the Yakuza. His promising criminal career is tragically cut short after crossing Mike 'the shark' Sharkie, a shadowy underworld figure.

Mike: gave up a promising English Language career to become a popular shadowy underworld figure after hearing Thom Yorke's 'Apple is a retard name'.

Me: Boasted to the wrong people that I knew the right people. Forced to eliminate people against will, I quickly learnt how to make a hit appear like a freak accident. Became Pope after the surprising College of Cardinals election tragedy. Ruled like a god among men until, tragically, I choked on poorly cooked eggs.