I have an evil laugh

It can be quite useful really. Scares small children and men with weak constitutions. Charlie is currently hiding under his desk. I blame the whisky and cigarettes I chow through for breakfast. There is nothing that really says 'What the? More daylight! Ow man.' like Glenfiddich and B&H. Goes well with most foods as your taste buds starts to malfunction which saves you money because mouldy bread tastes super when you can't taste it. Also has the added bonus of making my voice deep which means I sound more 'manly' and less 'not-that-manly'. Soon I'll be able to cause earthquakes by singing along to ABBA.

Seeing as I'm currently on a health kick, I'm trying to kick coke. I hear you splutter, Tim, Ben, Nic and all you other coke whores. Coke is the devil and diet coke is the son of sam - never realised Satan was also Sam.... It does bad things to you. Like death. And impotence. I can't back that up with any 'scientific' data or 'reliable crown secret witness' testimony or even 'I heard it from a... mate' but surely something as addictive can't be that good for you. Also - good motivation to stop. For some reason guys don't really get scared by a warning 'Your heart will stop if you drink from glass A'. Guys do get scared by warnings such as 'You'll never sleep with another person again - not even yourself - if you drink from glass A'. Of course, both scenarios result in the same result - no sex. Death, however, isn't really synonymous with a lack of sex. Yet. From now on I'll be drinking mostly tea. Iced tea. Hot tea. Green tea.

I'm going to regret this in 30 minutes when I find myself in the corner in a cold sweat shaking and trembling and wondering where the precious went.

Thesis. No time like the present. Attack!