'We're concentrating on getting to votes to the voters'

58,000 ballots go postal missing.

Undead celebrate first chance to vote since death.

And now for something completely different

We live in a beautiful world country ... ohh, look, thesis.

I have an evil laugh

It can be quite useful really. Scares small children and men with weak constitutions. Charlie is currently hiding under his desk. I blame the whisky and cigarettes I chow through for breakfast. There is nothing that really says 'What the? More daylight! Ow man.' like Glenfiddich and B&H. Goes well with most foods as your taste buds starts to malfunction which saves you money because mouldy bread tastes super when you can't taste it. Also has the added bonus of making my voice deep which means I sound more 'manly' and less 'not-that-manly'. Soon I'll be able to cause earthquakes by singing along to ABBA.

Seeing as I'm currently on a health kick, I'm trying to kick coke. I hear you splutter, Tim, Ben, Nic and all you other coke whores. Coke is the devil and diet coke is the son of sam - never realised Satan was also Sam.... It does bad things to you. Like death. And impotence. I can't back that up with any 'scientific' data or 'reliable crown secret witness' testimony or even 'I heard it from a... mate' but surely something as addictive can't be that good for you. Also - good motivation to stop. For some reason guys don't really get scared by a warning 'Your heart will stop if you drink from glass A'. Guys do get scared by warnings such as 'You'll never sleep with another person again - not even yourself - if you drink from glass A'. Of course, both scenarios result in the same result - no sex. Death, however, isn't really synonymous with a lack of sex. Yet. From now on I'll be drinking mostly tea. Iced tea. Hot tea. Green tea.

I'm going to regret this in 30 minutes when I find myself in the corner in a cold sweat shaking and trembling and wondering where the precious went.

Thesis. No time like the present. Attack!

Survivor: Axis of Evil Edition

Castro fell, broke his knee cap and fractured his arm the other day. This has renewed discussion on his successor. Most people think it's going to be one of his sons - who aren't as talented as he at politics et al. Who wants to bet that when Castro finally shuffles off there will be another Bay of Pigs?

The electoral-vote graph is bouncing around more than a bad bad joke which is below me to utter. So I won't, but you would have laughed nonetheless. The election is on November 2. Coverage in NZ will probably be on Nov 3 with the counting and 'analysis' and the pain and the ow. I can't find any timetables so am just relying on memory from last election. We should do something complete with tv, alcohol and whinging. I can supply some alcohol and whinging, but 14" tv not so flash for this sort of thing. We should have official confirmation of the election after a month of lawsuits and dodgy judicial decisions.

Also, talked to supervisor yesterday and he was rather frustratingly positive about my thesis. 'Plundering of the commons' was an idea he pulled out in relation to the individualist vs communalist food situation.

Argh, I'm talking shop. Tame that beast.

Jacques Derrida 'Dies'

Which does suck. Although he's been slammed by a number of academics with far more intelligence that I, I've got a lot of time for his ideas on deconstruction. To a point, of course. To blur the line between fiction and reality can be dangerous. But the idea that words can have several complex meanings which even the author may not be strictly aware of is attractive to someone who is examining a POW diary for a thesis, and admires the Annales and microhistorians. It's all about symbols, people.

Gave paper at conference today. And I have to say I'm disappointed. My primary supervisor, internal marker, HOD and a couple of lecturers who I get on with quite well with were there and they didn't really say anything. No criticism or pointed questions. All I got was requests for clarification or 'wow I didn't expect that'. For the love of god critique and criticise me! Suggest more obscure or postmodern texts for me to angst about and cry over. Tell me I'm wrong or hopelessly idealistic, naive and bordering on the arrogant. Don't say nothing! That makes me insecure.

(I don't have issues....)

Never thought I'd bitch about not being slammed.

Procrastination

It's not like I ordinarily know it. I'm not running around dialing the operator in a desperate attempt to reach destination fun. Nor am I running around trying to avoid work. When I'm at work I tend to just stare blandly at the screen - and you know how creepy people staring at the movie theatre are. Lethargy. Where would we be without it? Depends on what you believe. If you believe in creationism then we'd still be in Eden because we wouldn't have been asked tasting the forbidden fruit (please note, people, the forbidden fruit is the apple and not the woman). In this case lethargy is a decidedly good thing. If you believe in evolution, things get more complex. Take the conversation between several ancient (but strangely familiar) monkeys.

Ape Tim: Ben, hurry up. Time to evolve.
Ape Ben: Yeah, I'll get around to it once I finish reading this scrap of bark. whoa, no. Damn. It was another lizard.
Ape Nic: What? You guys are useless. You always say your going to evolve but never organise your molecular structure.
Ape Tim: Yeah, and do I see you evolving, Ape-boy?
Ape Nic: But it's late and I want to go home.
Ape Ben: I have a strange desire to add sugar to acid, dilute slightly and pour it down my throat.
Ape Dave: Ohh, look, a girl ape.
Ape Ben: That's not a girl, Dave. That's my younger bro-ape.
Ape Dave: Damnit. All us apes look exactly the same. Isn't that James?
Ape Tim: Yeah. He's an orangutan now. Part of his long term positioning strategy. And he's not a girl either. So suck it.
Ape Ben: Argh! My book-lizard is trying to eat my foot.
Ape Dave: Then ... if only we had a conception of violence.
Ape Ben: muh. ow. muh.
Ape Tim: So, what can we do now, before and without computers, mobile phones or Buffy?
Ape Nic: Let's go dance around that big shiny black thing and get the inspiration to hit people with sticks and stones - providing monkeydom with the ability use violence for progress therefore become more advanced.
Ape Tim: pfft. fag.
Ape Dave: Where's that creepy music coming from?

In this scenario lethargy would not have enabled us to evolve to the stage where we can use violence to express our feelings for each other. Futhermore, we'd be stuck in a weird and creepy environment where it was difficult to tell the difference who was a man and who was a woman. This is decidedly bad.

Also, if you believe in Star Wars *Spoiler* It didn't really happen. They never really existed. Not even the wookie.*ENDS* - imagine if Luke was some sort of lethargic whinger who didn't really want to do anything. Ok. Then imagine that Jar-Jar-Binks was some sort of lethargic whinger who didn't really want to do anything. Episode 1 would have been a MUCH better movie.

To conclude: lethargy is bad, not being an ape is good, and Episode 1 does not deserve to be rated in the same 4 star category as Donnie Darko.

I have got to get out more. And indulge in less torpidity. Damn you, torpidity, damn you to muh.

Pie still good.

Where Dave reviews Fable

I went out and purchased Fable the other day. This was something of a surprise. I didn't think I had the funds but checked anyway and was quite happy to discover that I was wrong by a reasonably comfortable margin. Checking the bank balance and finding it better than what you were expecting doesn't happen as often as it should. I would like to thank my thesis for prohibiting me from having much of a life (although it also reduces available moolah so...).

For those of you who don't know Fable is a role playing game for xbox. You take the role of a small boy who has been orphaned. You are adopted by the Guild of Heroes who train you so that you may wreak vengeance upon those who killed your family and most of your village. At the guild you learn melee skills, ranged (archery) attack and will power (magic). When you graduate you can go into the world and become terribly good, terribly evil, or something in between.

Without going into detail, I was pleasantly surprised by the plot. The game boasts that you can do anything you want - and that it true to an extent... as long as you do the essential missions. You can take guild missions to rid a farm of small and angry gnome-like creatures, or guide some traders through a wood and these help you gain money, experience and renown. Once you've finished these (or before if you're impatient) you can do the essential mission which is based on the plot in order to unlock more minor missions. At first I thought the plot was reasonably obvious with a couple of ok-ish twists. But then I reached a stage where I was knocked back by the overall coolness of the situation. This is a spoiler. Highlight the following if you want to read it (cheers, Miche, for figuring out how to do this). You are imprisoned in a jail when you try and rescue your mother (she's alive!) and all your goods are stolen. You have to figure out how to escape without using your knarly magic skills or weapons. That's not strictly correct - you have to find them armed with only your briefs and a stick (if you can find the stick). The use of atmosphere is quite cool and I became quite angry at the perpetrator (who I already knew was evil). It made me want to turn to the darkside. In this game I'm a bit good - I even have a halo above my head when I walk about! *ENDS*

The distinctive feature about the game is that you can choose whether to be good or bad. The guild of heroes doesn't differentiate between good and evil - they just want you to be good at it. If you do a good deed you become more noble in the eyes of the people. Likewise, if you do something nasty - such as vandalism - you become more evil. The missions also play a role here. One of the first missions is set on Orchard Farm. You can either accept the mission to defend the farm from bandits, or accept the counter-mission to attack the farm with the bandits. Killing bandits good. Killing guards bad. You are rewarded with the appropriate evil-light points which determine how good/bad/middling you are. This influences the way people interact with you. As you walk past townspeople the will often comment. 'He's a good man, to have married' (you can have a wife - or gay husband- in each town, and there is a sexuality section on the statistic screen) or 'Damn, I'd better show him some respect' or even 'I've heard some terrible things about him... Oh hello sir... I was...'. I've got 2 games going - one as good guy (with halo) and one as bad guy (don't have horns yet). You can improve you attractiveness and scariness factors by getting different haircuts, tattoos and clothing/armour. This also impacts on how townspeople interact. I dressed my guy up as a little Nazi with dark leather, buzz cut and sheriff mustache and had people cowering before me. That's kind of cool, but the shopkeepers are more kindly disposed toward people who aren't likely to eat their kids.

The decisions you make do have an impact. I've regretted making a couple of reasonably important decisions because they've ended up slowing me down later on. It's not strictly a black and white world.

Their are quite a few nice touches. Kids worship you as you walk past and pretend they are killing bandits. There is a statistic for how far you can kick a chicken. You can buy a house, rent it out, renovate it, sell it, mount trophies on the wall or live in it with your Mr(s). At the start - before the village is ransacked you are a boy who must get money to buy a present for his sister. You can earn the money by performing good deeds. In one instance you catch a man cheating on his wife. You can either keep quiet (bad deed) and take the gold coin the adulterer offers, or tell his wife (good deed - get gold coin from Dad). I did the good deed first time through and when I went back to the memorial cemetery years later the headstone for the wife was 'Killed before the divorce came through' and the husbands was something equally amusing. If you eat a lot of pies you become fat.

The combat is cool. It is in real time so it has something that I think Gladius lacks. Money has more value than in Galdius - as you're rarely comfortable. The spells are easy to use and the melee can be very cool. The two in conjunction work very well - I'm known as a spellwarrior. I'm not so good on the archery but it's useful on a number of occasions. There is also the usual augmentation of weapons available. The controls are reasonably straight forward although I've got the 'sword' and 'bow' keys muddled in my head and it can be quite frustrating when a bunch of minions are dealing out the pain close range to pull out a bow and arrow.

There are a few things which are frustrating. The manual isn't very comprehensive - which means if I have a question as to what is the significance of decapitations (you can kick the severed head around like a soccer ball) or - how the aging of your hero works - then you're going to be left in the dark. Sometimes - rarely - the game jumps or you find yourself half-in - half-out of a rockface. There are no old women in albion - which means although you age, your wife doesn't. They're all young and most of them want you (unless you look like Himmler). You can sleep with women (or men, I suppose) but you have to be married first. Damn morality I'm going to hell. Actually - it would have been a nice touch to have been able to sleep with someone before marriage and get 'evil' points if they were going to take that whole 'sex before marriage' line. And the Hero appears to be infertile and doesn't have kids. These are pretty minor and by and large the game is very very pretty. If you get cut on the face during a fight you will scar and they will age. I've got some pretty knarly scars and evil dave has groovy scars over his right eye.

Verdict: best game I've seen in a very long time. Just hope it doesn't have a short timeline.

Thesis in corner and cowering. I will own it tonight.

Damn I feel like I've been hit by a train. Late nights in front of the computer screen and running around... yeah ok jogging... fine then, walking briskly... ok, ok, crying like a baby in the corner during hockey and indoor soccer really takes it out of you. And by you I mean me. Probably should start on the whisky again, but it's been giving me funny looks for a few weeks. Accidentally getting drunk on it while watching some late night John Cusack movie and feeling like sin (the bad kind) the next day didn't help. I don't have a problem. Can give up any time I want.

I've suspected for a while that Tim doesn't really resemble normality. Battling aliens to save the world might have something to do with it.

Thesis going well. Have confirmed today that there was a net increase of 750 lettuces produced at the Spangenburg Unterlager 1942-3.

Sadly, I find that really quite interesting and was not intending to mock self.

Sean Penn must have been intending to mock himself with this letter to these guys. Apparently the film is reasonably right wing and a number of the forums are celebrating that this film will stick it too those 'Michael Moore Communists'.

Some people are very scary.

Not me, however. I'm off to count vegetables grown over sixty years ago on the far side of the world.

Who says I'm wasting time?

I did not make these up. I don't know who did. Importantly, I did not alter any of the descriptions to make people happy, sad, or envious of my rather accurate description. You know it's bollocks but that won't stop you laughing. Occasionally. Hey, don't shoot the messanger, man. Men first. Then come the women.


MEN'S NAMES
Aaron - ugly but hung like a horse, prone to belly button fluff.
Adam - cute, funny, chicks dig him, has the potential to be stalked.
Adrian - small todger, probably gay.
Alan - shy but sensitive, gets screwed over by women.
Alex - cute but a liar and a cheater.
Amir - dirty, smelly, pecker is minuscule.
Andrew -usually short and very horny, watches cartoons.
Antonio - has a great body and beautiful skin, and chicken brain.
Anthony - great guy and kind to all girls, smells of wee.
Arnold - loser.
Arthur - hung like a slave and celibate.
Ashley - wanker who's losing his hair.
Barry - lights fires, pinches girl's bottoms and is well hung.
Ben - kind hearted, will do anything for the one he loves.
Bert - looks like he has been pulled a hedge backwards and chews with his mouth open.
Bob - quiet and unpopular, eats with his hands.
Brad - thinks everyone likes him...but they don't.
Brandon - good looking but uses girls.
Brendan - quiet and sweet, gets beaten up all the time.
Brett - worldwide slut and really insensitive, women love him.
Brian - a wanna be charmer, he's not the Messiah he's just a very, very naughty boy.
Bryan - sexy, but stupid - can't spell.
Bronsen - annoying and never grows up - has a stupid name.
Bruce - stinks bad and thinks everyone else's name is also Bruce.
Bryce - fun to be with and will make you laugh, you'll kill him within a week.
Calvin - immature in a naive way, drives a Gemini.
Cameron - Australian, like Bruce.
Carl - thinks he's funny...he's not, falls asleep during sex.
Carson - fun to be around and really sensitive.
Chad - cute, sensitive and very studly - only found in American movies.
Charles - can't trust him, eyes too close together.
Chris - can't pull, will pay for women, but has a huge pecker and can use it too.
Christopher - soppy and too clingy to make a relationship last. spends most of his life drunk and kisses like a washing machine.
Christian - very sexy and seductive, full of his self.
Clark - hilarious and always in trouble, problem with 'jailbait'.
Clive - very sweet and adores girls, but prefers to watch.
Cole - nice, funny, and fun to be around.
Colin - lies to women and blows up public buildings.
Cory - funny but ugly, ends up running fashion magazines.
Craig - the lights on but no ones at home.
Damon - total loser in a sweaty sort of way.
Dan - quiet but funny, but becomes easily addicted to narcotics.
Dane - weird but can hold together a conversation with a mermaid.
Daniel - sweetest guy in the world,soft and gentle but good in bed! hes a keeper!!!!!!
Darren - charming, but sleeps with men.
Daryl - smells bad, has no real mates.
David - hottie and works out a lot, loves girls named Florence. Can be gay!
Dave - extremely sexy, always funny, intelligent, stylish, trendsetter i.e. a wanker.
Dean - full of himself and thinks with his dick.
Dennis - either very nice to girls or a faggot.
Derek - has a great sense of humour, and blow-up doll collection.
Dominic - hilarious and will do anything to please.
Don - dickhead.
Doug - has a greasy face, drinking problem and farts.
Drew - bad-arse loser who never shuts up.
Duncan - hopeless ski bum, brains shot away long ago.
Dylan - horny bastard, who can't sing.
Dwayne - cool guy to be around if you can handle his name.
Eddie - wants too many chicks he'll never get 'cos he's an arsehole.
Elliott - full of himself.
Eric - shy.
Ewan - a little slow but sweet, sexy, and model mental patient.
Frank - "different" - missing DNA - favours girls named Lucy.
Fred - sucks pig's dicks & swallows the lot.
Gareth - sweet but dresses too good to be straight.
Gary - dreams about mud wrestling girls. drug addict but willing to share.
Gavin - likes bondage, S&M with other men.
Geoff - prefers golf to sex and war to peace.
George - barman who drinks more than he serves, treats girls like shit also a wanker.
Graeme - very hard to understand, likes group sex.
Graham - will screw anything.
Grant - HORNY! But so sweet and you can talk to him about anything.
Greg - really sweet and feels sorry for himself.
Harry – has back hair.
Harvey - cute, but addicted to sex and/or drugs.
Hathem - smooth, but manipulative, not to bet trusted around young girls.
Hayden - tries hard.
Henry - has gay like movements frequently. likes to run every where. would screw welli boots.
Howard - likes small-breasted women and pornography.
Ian - really popular but knows all the girls want him... yeah right!
Ivor - militant psychopath with homosexual tendencies.
Jack - stupid but hot, always alright.
Jake - shy and sweet but a slut when drunk.
Jamie - scum of the earth.
James - built like a horse. likes to bite while kissing.
Jason - big headed. never fails to grab the girls attention, full of bullshit.
Jay - very sweet when you get to know him well.
Jeff - really ugly.
Jerome - gay, but very unhappy.
Jeremy - loud and thinks that he's all that he says he is.
Jesse - unpopular and needs to move on.
Jim - sweet, has fantasies of love and affection.
Joe - built like a bear, sexy but tends to lose his head.
Joel - arse.
John - has no friends or life - tends to kill small animals.
Jolyon - absolute raving homosexual.
Jon - countless two timer and bully.
Jonathon - loud, sex mad and great with it - can be full of himself.
Jordan - sexy but weird in bed.
Jose - hot boy with a love of hermaphrodites.
Josh - full of himself, fun.
Junior - hottie and totally good at football.
Justin - aggravating but loveable, insecure but successful.
Judith - Eats a lot, likes to feel superior.
Kain - the sexiest guy alive but very stuck up.
Kane - an absolute and compleat arsehole.
Kevin - always attracts really fit girlfriends also has a large penis.
Keith - good person to talk to when you have a problem - his is worse.
Kenneth - very, very...anything you want him to be.
Kurt - can kick anyone's arse.
Kyle - hornball who eats too many corn chips.
Lance - Plays with his penis cos no one else will.
Larry - cute but wannabe player with big arse.
Laurie - short and funny looking.
Lee - girl dressed up as a boy, total arse bandit.
Lewis - lonely, sad git, bit of a tosser.
Lyndon - can always be found in bed or in the pub.
Liam - loud mouthed arsehole.
Lorenzo - fine and dresses in stolen gold.
Lucas - fat loser that dates other men.
Luke - seems to be sweet. bit of a tosser though.
Malcolm - tall man who tends to lose his trousers.
Marc - an idiot, who can't spell. would do anything for sex.
Mark - wished girls liked him for who he is not his great looks, mouthy bastard.
Matt - likes drink and is full of shit.
Mathew - has less brains than a donkey does in one of it's hoofs. thinks constantly about porn.
Michael - very good looking but he'll do anything for a girl.
Mick - always drunk, tendency for drug abuse.
Mike - shag muffin.
Mohammed - small penis.
Morgan - the only thing that is big is his ego.
Nathan - stupid as hell, and tends to make others feel dumb.
Nick - nice -can't get past the missionary position though.
Neil - sweet and will do anything in this world for you, great in bed.
Oliver - likes men but is in denial.
Oscar - loser.
Owen - cute gay guy who is immature, and sings Welsh songs.
Patrick - drunk, drunk, drunk.
Paul - cool, calm and handsome, a quality only found in gays.
Peter - cutie but very shy, makes women feel like virgins.
Phillip - stupid idiot who wishes he were cool.
Rhys - great lover but had his mind stolen by aliens a long, long time ago.
Richard - can't see his feet as balls are too big.
Ricky - ugly shithead who everybody hates.
Rikki - the fucking greatest in the world, everyone loves this guy... no faults at all.
Rob - constantly watches porn.
Ron - spends most of his time looking at the base of his spine, when his head is up his own arse.
Roy - total loser and computer genius.
Rupert - arrogant twat who is crap in bed but thinks he is a stud.
Russell - likes to play in the leaves, which makes him an arsehole.
Ryan - tall with sexy body and even sexier mind.
Sam - wannabe sex machine.
Scott - has serious disabilities. also takes it up the butt.
Sean - has small testicles and no friends.
Seth - so sweet to other people but is a traitor.
Shane - not very nice, lies to pick faults (changed now)
Shannon - the most determined and persevering sweetie in the world.
Shaun - bit of a hard bastard, thinks women love him.
Simon - likes a night out with the lads and curries. Says he is the man but talks bollocks.
Spencer - loves it right up there, normally with a toilet roll and a hamster.
Steve - popular and funny & hung like a donkey.
Stuart - droll guy with great arse and suicidal tendencies but great in bed.
Ted - hairy, sensitive and a great shag.
Teddy - great friend, crap boyfriend. clowns have been known to look more stylish.
Tim - hot but a bit strange, can never tell where he is.
Toby - best blow ever.
Tom - extremely arrogant.
Tommy - no-one can have brains and looks. he is FYNE! but there isnt much behind it.
Tony - hot, sweet, and totally fun to be around, prefers getting done up the arse
Travis - fat and horny with the best XXX collection to be found.
Trevor - sweet and funny but sometimes untrustworthy.
Troy - cute and popular.
Taylor - happy, laughing hyena.
Warren - cool, homosexual guy.
Wesley - great guy and easy to tolerate.
Will - wishes he were popular.
William - tall, dark and handsom. ie when it's dark, he is handsom and tall.
Zach - sweet and polite and adorable.
Zack - thinks he is superman. great in bed due to ego.
Zahid - devious and sly. Not to be trusted.

WOMEN'S NAMES
Ada - blue haired, smells of wee.
Aileen - big tall woman who talks shite all day.
Aimee - Likes to strut her stuff, though theres not much 2 do so. Likes to play with cheese.
Aimz - Like italian breakfast bread rolls. hollow on the inside. would die to screw a lamar.
Aisha - laughs like a demented dog, likes tic-tacs.
Alexandra - Smart kick ass chic.
Alison – bra and pants are the same garment, looks better with the light off.
Amanda - IQ tends to be smaller than bra size. Probably a good shag though.
Amberley – queen of ice, no friends with a nasty mean streak. More than likely a lesbian but nice teeth.
Amy - devious, likes being on top, never stays the night - Not to be trusted.
Aimz - limited intelligence.
Andrea - small breasts, drinks pints.
Angela - Vain, hairstyle more important than oxygen. Hangs around toilets.
Anna - has eyes bigger than her stomach. but her waistline shows it.
Annabelle - doesn't wear knickers.
Annette - she's BIG.
Anne - looks like a horse, can't drive.
Anouska - shags like a rabbit, not fussy about appearance.
Beatie - she would rather jump out of a plane with out a parashoot than having to pick up a spider.
Belinda - pleasing on the eye, usually has a couple of good points.
Beryl - repressed alcoholic.
Betty - makes simple tasks seem like brain surgery.
Beverley - trapped in an eighties timewarp.
Bianca - ginger.
Bridgette - eats pizzas all day, smokes cigars.
Britney - falsely improved, no use to society.
Camilla - replaces the word 'yes' with 'ya'.
Carina - looks like the back of a bus, doesn't swallow.
Carol - into everything you've only ever read about. Coin-operated.
Caroline - into threesomes. Likes doggy style. Always up for it.
Carla - pretty but more mouth and flirting than action in the bedroom.
Carly- the sexiest bitch in the world!!!!!!
Casey – painful lay, naïve but with a sense of humour, possibly once a man.
Catherine - attracted to the older man, needs ironing.
Claire – thinks she is perfect in every way and a completly sex mad
Celine - emits hideous noises, waste of DNA.
Charlotte - enjoys tea and cake a lot , can sing the national anthem with her bum.
Cheryl - can fit hand in mouth, eats glass. Has many ways with the boys - slapper
Christina - hasn't got much of a life due to being a boring person. likes cammels.
Christine - likes men in uniform, never warm.
Claudia - highly annoying. finds it hard to keep friends.
Daisy - virgin.
Danni - should make nice threesome with sibling.
Davina - drug induced mental damage, should shave her neck.
Dawn - gets up early, smells of chips.
Deborah - bites the pillow, uses both hands.
DeeDee - cannot understand why no one else masturbates in Ikea.
Denise - sits on cat's eyes, wears too much make up.
Diane - enjoys company of animals. Deep as a puddle. Adds nothing to society.
Donna - 70's throw back, likes cabbage.
Doris - purple haired, stinks of wee.
Elaine - rides sidesaddle, drinks meths.
Eleanor - centre of attention when she walks into a room,not always for the good. has the gift of gab.
Elizabeth - born to perform, hates chickens.
Ellie - far too attractive for the swear words that come out of her mouth.
Emily - wears odd socks but that doesn't mean shes not cute!
Emma - gullible and easily swayed by a good looker!
Estelle - likes wombles, eats grass.
Esther - plump with sagging breasts, normally heavily tattooed.
Faith - legs meet at knees, can't shag standing up.
Faye - wears wellies, can't swim.
Felicity - she'll stab you with her nipples, plays darts
Fiona - female mud wrestler, gives head.
Frances - gives oral for a one pence peice. but loves to sow.
Frankie - would make it as a farmer. people say she needs to shower more.
Gail - farts a lot, drinks Guinness.
Gaynor - lesbian.
Gem - like an arm chair. comfotable, loved, odd.
Gemma - practically perfect in everyway. Loved by everyone. Good listener and friend.
Geraldine - too posh for her own good, likes flying.
Gillian - dyes her hair green, likes clubbing.
Gina - eternal mother, eats nappies.
Glenda - eats children, hates smoking.
Georgia - wants to be a man.
Grace - blubs a lot, wees in the bath.
Hannah - needs to be naked at all times, eats kebabs.
Harriet - has a brain somewhere, will prob end up living on pizza.
Hayley - lives on dads beers, is lazy bitch.
Heather - shags like a freight train, a screamer.
Helen - loves sleeping and alcohol and is work shy.
Heidi - the hills are alive with the sound of music, likes gherkins.
Hilary - frigid bitch. Thinks money grows on trees.
Holly - prickly to the touch, seasonal shagmeister.
Ina - drinks tequila from the bottle, wets the bed.
Ingrid - right wing Nazi tendencies, never smiles.
Jackie - heroin addict, sold her child.
Janet - soft, warm and really cuddly. Good shag.
Jane - enjoys wanking men (or women).
Jasmine - smells of sewers, eats the heads off rats.
Jemma - does anal, wears too much eye make-up.
Jennifer - huge breasts, should shave her legs more often.
Jerrica - a bitch thinks she's good
Jessica - virgin, always will be.
Joanne - moans in her sleep, cant cook, moans when she wakes up!
Jodie - absolutely perfect in every way, every group of friends should have one!
Jo - would make a good exotic dancer. men love her.
Judith - big eyes, big tits.
Judy - huge tits, married to an arse.
Julia - innocent face, don't trust her, she'll steal your wallet in five minutes.
Justine- massive tits, likes hanging around men's toilets.
Julie - jabba the Hutt's sister, constantly pregnant.
Karen - too smart for her own good and is insensitive to others.
Katie - big feet, shags men over 50.
Kate - talks complete bollocks all the time, scavenger.
Katherine - is a follower. doomed to be successful but not compleatly happy.would fight for a tea cosy.
Keeley – big mouth, big heart, and big tits
Kelly - smells of cheese, slobbers when kissing and loves her self.
Kerry - perfect in every way and a complete sex goddess.
Kimberley - wants to be a bloke, drinks like a bloke, farts like a bloke and wears a wig.
Kirsty - eats live moles, can't dance.
Kylie - can't sing but who cares.
Lana - hated by her parents, accidental pregnancy.
Lara - action packed, never seen naked.
Laura - likes Max power magazine, can't drive and lies.
Lauren - pert breasts, seldom ventures out at night.
Leah - likes outdoor sex, wees standing up.
Lena - eats food then throws up, rapidly shrinking.
Leslie - likes bondage, hates men.
Linda - perfect in every way - a complete ugly goddess in the dog world.
Lindsay - likes doggy style, doesn't do housework.
Lisa - will take all your money and run, gets turned on by porn and spiting.
Livvy - pink, prim and perfect. people find this annoying.
Liz - good looking, definately one to shag.
Lorraine - constantly whinges, will strip for a packet of jellybabies.
Louisa - sensible head on her shoulders. collects socks.
Louise - real babe, bright too, I'd drink her bath water.
Lucy - strange dancer, wants to marry her dad. theif.
Madeline - drives like a bloke, likes tractors.
Maggie - trainspotter, likes plaid.
Margaret - lovely mother, very generous.
Maria - bangs like a barn door.
Marie - life's slapper. Likes men to do DIY.
Marina - no get up and go, rusty underwear.
Marilyn - eats like a horse, out stays her welcome.
Martina - ugly lesbian.
Martine - can't act, can't sing, nice tits.
Matilda - likes dancing, mainly the waltz.
Mary - gets hurt easily.
Meg - cheesy smell, should be spelt with an S.
Megan - loves nature, cares more for trees than people. radical and gets things done.
Melanie - can hold two bar vacuum orally indefinitely.
Melissa - eats dogs, been in prison 6 times for burglary.
Meryl - dances like an ape, doesn't realise.
Michaela - likes animals, should make a video with them.
Michelle - wears white stilettos, dances round her handbag.
Marsha - big butt, small brain.
Monica - doesn't swallow, should have.
Naomi - wannabe diva, more of a diver.
Nancy - white hair, remembers manners.
Natalie - eats with her mouth open, farts the Nokia phone tune.
Natasha - could use a face lift but is a sweet loyal friend
Nell - hasn't realised WWII has ended, lives in Kent.
Nicola - slapper, alcoholic in denial in every way.
Nicole - girls hate her, men use her and dump her.
Nikki - loved up, eats cucumbers.
Nina - stuffs her bra with tissues, been single for years.
Nisha - hs a deep interest in the YMCA. falls in love easily.
Olga - you can park a bike in her arsecrack, excessive facial hair.
Olivia - neutron bomb.
Pamela - gives amazing head, made of plastic.
Pat - forest forager, likes wild boar.
Paula - transvestite merchant banker from Basildon well she pretends to be
Penelope - pit stop queen, likes men to be stiff.
Penny - burps like a man, lives in dungerees and gets told to shut up alot.
Phillippa - butt ugly lesbian.
Priscilla - likes painting with oils, Duckhams mainly.
Rachel - amazing gravity defying breasts, can grip a tenner in her
arsecheeks.
Rebecca - hairy armpits, orgasms without contact.
Rhia - alcoholic, goes after mingers.
Rosie - can be prickly, good head-giver.
Rula - she measures up well.
Sacha - believes carrots make you see in the dark, likes crotcheless knickers & malteasers.
Sadie - stand up if you're slim, please stand up.
Sally - drives a Mustang, fights in pubs.
Samantha - loves her brother, has four deformed children.
Sandra - shags donkeys for fun, bow legged.
Sarah - hangs around with the wrong crowd, Kinky in bed, loves porn.
Selina - doesn't wear pants, heavy laundry bills.
Sharon - shags like a locomotive, yo-yo knickers.
Shelley-the best in the world no complaints from any one
Shirley - can swallow a Curly Whirly whole, likes bananas.
Sian - does mean sheep impression, hates mint sauce.
Simone - used to be a shot putter from Cardiff.
Sonya - dirty lady of the night. Often referred to as a carrier.
Sophie - brothel madam, wears a wrinkly corset.
Stacey - likes crotchless jeans and arseless Speedo's.
Steffi - closet lesbian, maintains heterosexual relationship for effect.
Stephanie - eats Muppets, wears Brogues.
Sue - totally gorgeous!
Tanya - hot minx, too short.
Tara - upper class slapper, needs extra chemicals.
Tiffany - annoying and clingy. but makes up for it by being damn fit.
Tash - lives about 10 seconds behind everyone in the world but makes up for it with her tits
Tina - face like a smacked arse, should eat less.
Tori - lives in a hedge, can't water ski.
Tracy -. lesbian.
Tracey - easily swayed by alcohol. Mostly seen without underwear. Loves kittens
Ursula - likes puppies, in curry.
Vic - Likes to go commando. dreams of futures with lots of leather and men in thongs.
Victoria - too smart for her own good and is insensitive to others.
Vicky- likes Yoga and Men.Perfect in everyway. known to be very loud.
Vikki - wears too much lipstick to taste food. runs after dumbarsed guys who don’t like her.
Wendy - possibly a man.
Zara - face like an elephant's backside. cant see her toes from breast enhancements.
Zoe - talentless rock chick.

And so it is

Got the job. This is most awesome. Not only will I get to have my own pad but also can afford to stay on, become Dr. Dave and achieve my lifetime goal of not getting out often enough.

Credit where credit is due - Nic wrote an awesome character reference (lied through his teeth) and that is appreciated.

Slice of life

Yeah, it's a bit of a misnomer as it's not really a 'life' as such but... yeah. I've returned from hitting the town and Bentleys with Nic, Charlie and Karen, among others. And am now in a good mood to study. ish. No, I'm not drunk. No, I'm not stoned although that could be fun. er. Red Bull has picked me up and carried me off somewhere magical, however.

To give you an insight as to how my brain reacts after hours of study this is going to be a graduated blog. I'll go off and study for a while, return, blog, study, return, blog etc until it is time to pick up a rather sore Nic at 8am this morning. Or when I give up and run back to watch Spiderman Unlimited, a supercool cartoon that goes from 5-5.30am. Nanotechnology gives him the suit - cotton is so last week.

*Spoiler. I get pissed off during the night. I blame the poor combination of sugar and music.*

1.30 am. Right. It's just gone 1.30 am. Time to start. To infinity and there or thereabouts!

2.22 am. Off home. Oi! Don't leap to conclusions like that. I'm not piking. No-need to butch up girlie pants for me (plenty man enough). I need a copy of Jim Henderson's Gunner Inglorious - if you haven't read this then you must or I'll unleash something unpleasant on your inglorious muppet self but don't expect to get it from amazon because they don't have it listed grrr - and while I have a copy it wasn't the 1st edition which I'd previously taken notes from but as I've been intending to get it out of the library but i haven't due to my eternal lateness of being so I'm biting the bullet and using the reprint which means I'll have to recheck the references after I get it from the aforementioned home but not straight away possibly in a few weeks - checking the revisions that is not going home to get it which I'm doing now. Might also stop off at Countdown and get me some cookies.

Mmmm. Ranting.

3.27 am Big ups to cars. They might destroy the world and a number of motorists and pedestrians, but at least I can zip around town while listening to Radiohead. So far I've completed a plan for my chapter and have tentatively started writing. This is good. Also good are Damien Rice and Elliot Smith who have been recycled on my iTunes lately. Yeah folk-punk! Also props to random comment spammers re US election. I had one guy take issue with my belief that Bush will win regardless - he thinks the democrats will win and all power to him. He was reasonable. James C had one guy recently who thought that Kerry should be in prison due to his comments after Vietnam. I'm not sure how the prison system would handle all the anti-Vietnam protesters out there, but it's nice to see the little fella can use capital letters from time to time. Speaking of websites (I haven't been but bear with me) I might be getting my own site thanks to the big man who can hook me up with sweet sweet interweb sugar. And DM has taken over the rights to and ownership of political sphere dot com and actually get it running. I'll be a contributor if what I say makes more sense than this late night tomfoolery. I hope my thesis reads better than this.

Hippies. Read the Way of the Hippy and understand the Cat Stevens was a hippie. Not a terrorist.

WTF! Have linked the Elliot Smith web page. Turns out he died last year. suck. Apparently suicide. damn I'm pissed off.

4.43am Still pissed off. Stupid bloody suicides. Also noted that I finished my last chapter on 9/9. It is this morning 8/10 and I'm only starting to write the next. Although it shouldn't (prob will) take too long to write - how can I do all this work and only end up treading water? Stupid bloody job interviews. Work going slow. *gnash teeth. roar* Can only manage about 50 mins concentration then back to this lala land. Stupid bloody oompahloompahs. Think they're so orange. I'll show them orange.

Methinks sugar high over.

This is good.

Also following exchange between Thom Yorke and radiohead fan on some forum:
* how's the album going thom? - angel in limbo 29th Sep 2004
pffffft - Thom 29th Sep 2004

Radiohead will cheer me up. Onwards and onwards-ish.

6.01 am muh. Can't speak good. Brain slowly freeze. This usual at this hour. Will change soon. Meantime:
'Your score is 1 on a scale of 1 to 10. You hate Bush with a writhing passion. You think he is an idiot, a liar, and a warmonger who has been a miserable failure as president. Nothing would give you greater pleasure than seeing him run out of the White House, except maybe seeing him dragged away in handcuffs.' Test good. This may be a surprise but I have done work.

7.21 am ri-ght. Well it's certainly daylight outside. I'm not sure if pulling an all-dayer is really going to help my sleeping patterns but it has to be better than staring at the ceiling all night. Some good work done too which is useful - I would have preferred more but I did hit the sugar low that tends to go with drinking far too much coke out on the town. I can give up anytime I want, I tells ya. Those of you worried about my linguistic ability at certain stages of the night will be relieved to hear that most of the work I did was planning and organising - so the supervisor won't be too surprised by a random reference to oompahloompahs. Unless he reads the blog. Still pissed off about Elliot Smith. Dude writes lyric 'Situations get fucked up/but turned around sooner/or later' then goes and tops himself.

Bastard.

This doesn't really count

And I'm still on my blog exile. Wow. I'm not trying to write a blog but can still manage it unlike you you you and especially you. But I had my interview about an hour ago. I can't last 30 minutes without cracking some lame arsed joke, damnit. I don't think it went too badly. Some of my answers felt a bit flat, but others made them sit up and go 'wow'. Cheers to everyone to gave advice, good luck etc. Will know within a week.

Argh.

Mmmm endorphins.

Argh.

Where Dave vanishes from sight

Love has to go two ways, and frankly I'm not feeling the love. I'm taking, of course, of the love between a man and his thesis. While it is the best he-bitch in my man-thesis stable, lately I haven't been getting the sugar I want, crave and deserve from it. Intellectually it ain't putting out. For a while I was blaming it's wild and extravagant lifestyle. It's hard to work on a relationship when your thesis is constantly hitting the town with other dissertations and research projects. Sometimes I think it wants to spend more time with cheap trash like The End of History than knuckle down have a deep and meaningful talk with me. Skanky man-ho! Sorry, sometimes I get carried away.

The point is, we've decided that we need to spend more quality time together. Which mean thesis won't be spending as much time with the wrong crowd and I won't be spending as much time here, continuously writing the 200th blog blogger can't count. That's right people. Less blog, less life, more thesis. Besides, with a few notable and obvious exceptions it is not as though you lot are sharing your love. You're always 'too tired' or 'not in the mood'. Of course, that doesn't stop you from reading other blogs though, does it? For shame.

*And with that, Dave vanished from sight. Some say he returned the ancient fortress city of Machu Picchu. Others believe he descended into the pits of madness - walking atop the moors and crying out for his lost love. Still more think he turned to the dark side to wage war on those hippies who would otherwise get away scott free. Me, I think he'll be back. He's waitin', hidin', ready to strike at any moment. *

There's something happening here

The last few days have been completely surreal. Reminiscent really of this time last year when I kept waking up to a hive of bees buzzing around my head to find myself being fined for having the council paint a bus stop around my car. Thursday involved a large number of people groping my arse (look, don't touch, people!) and chasing me around the streets. Numerous possi wanted my company - alcohol is a wonderful substance - and I had to turn down the company of girls. When will I learn? Eventually two of my groups (for brevity's sake we'll call them matter and anti-matter) wound up at the treehouse getting drunk on cheap spirits and poor singing. They left and young Mr Mason arrived looking for life in all the wrong places (it's the treehouse, Nic!) I can't talk. I was there for over two hours. *sigh*

I thought that was surreal at the time. Bah. That was nothing. After a couple of seminars in History we manked our way to Bentleys, endured certain knowing looks from certain knowing staff, drank a couple and hey presto! I found myself in the AGM of the Campus Singaporean Students Society. They seem very nice. An hour later I was playing pool in town. Then home. Then Josh's Burger Bar with Tim who now has a phone again. Girls were there. 'Hey boys' they said. 'Hey girls' I said. Tim scurried away. 'Do you like mushrooms?' they asked. I scurried away. Drove home - almost ran into Ben and Karen but they were sober and we therefore missed. They'd come back from the madcaps after party (yet were sober. Ben. Karen. Madcaps. Sober).

Also, at some stage I went to BP for pie. I was recognised by one of the staff as being 'that postgrad guy'. I certainly am. Spent several minutes answering his questions on postgrad life and on the economics department in Auckland. He accepted my answers with the respect and awe I could get used to for I am a God to these people.

Si has a radio show. Huh. That man is taking this town over one means of communication at a time. Maybe he should get a blog.